Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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