Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.