if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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