You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
