Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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