Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news, I just burned my penis
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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