did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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