remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
My vagina just clenched in fear
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
