My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
