Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Its about making memories worth repressing
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
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The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
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80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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