sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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