I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
