There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
