I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
we should paint friendship bongs
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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