You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Randomize
