My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
