whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Randomize
