yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.