why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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