you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
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It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
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Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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