nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
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