I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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