Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
It's shark week go big or go home
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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