Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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