Betty ford says i'm here all night
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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