...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
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Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
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at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
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