wanna go halves on a baby?
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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