Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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