Plan B is the new Plan A
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
