i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
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He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
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I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.