every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.