The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions