No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Randomize
