I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
25 Adults Reveal The Most Embarrassing Stories From When They Were Kids
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.