i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
