I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
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You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
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Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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