I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
