so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
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I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
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You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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