Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I just got carded by a ten year old.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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