I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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