the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?