i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I puked off the balcony.
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
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I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
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You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.