I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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