I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out