Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.