i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
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I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
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Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.