I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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