PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.