sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.