I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
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I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
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I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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