you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
