If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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