I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
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Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
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Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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