after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.