Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
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Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
The air taste purple.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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