Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Randomize
